Break out the economy pack of Kleenex, folks. This week we’re feeling sorry for the wealthy. Welcome to this edition of Lifestyles of the Rich & Sad. Like the hooker with the heart of gold, and the virgin who survives the bloodbath, the law of cinema dictates that having too much money can only lead to disaster—just look at the outrageously wealthy couple who endure an epic crash in the new documentary The Queen of Versailles. So, should you find yourself with a few extra millions lying around, the best thing you could do is just give it away. More importantly—and I cannot stress this enough—you should probably give it to me.
It Could Happen To You
Has anyone re-watched this turkey lately? I remember being moved by it as a 10 year-old in 1994, but as an adult it is simply alarming. Based on a true story, this film follows a cop and a waitress who, through a moronic display of chivalry, wind up winning the lottery together. Naturally, their lives fall apart, but that’s not the point. The grand total? Two million bucks. Before taxes. Nothing to sneeze at, even a decade later, but still. Come on, Hollywood – you couldn’t spare a few more zeros? Bridget Fonda goes from a medium-happy waitress to a street-crying mess, for two million. Even scarier? Woman, you are dating Nicholas Cage!
Billy Madison
When you’re super duper rich, there’s a statistical chance that you are an idiot. But no one’s going to tell you that you’re dumber than a slice of toast on the off chance that you accidentally give them a yacht. (There’s a George W. Bush joke somewhere in here, but it’s 2012 so I guess I won’t bother working it out. DIY punch line, everyone.)
Mildred Pierce
It is the truth universally acknowledged: rich kids are the worst. Yes, I am indeed writing about the HBO-adaptation of this classic, Oscar-winning film, because…well, I haven’t seen the original since film school. Okay, fine, I skipped watching the original in film school, and went to The Cheesecake Factory. Are you happy? It still stands, as illustrated by this glorious piece of mama drama, that there can be no brattier brat than Evan Rachel Wood. This film stands as the strongest argument I can think of for why it’s best to deprive your children of everything they want. You gave them life; they can take care of the rest.
The Social Network
Ah yes, our modern day Charles Foster Kane…kind of. True, we’re all technically his Friends, but if this film taught us anything, it’s that cash can’t buy you buddies, bro. Only hoodies and shower shoes. Let’s forget that in the years since this film came out, he’s won the lawsuits, married his long-time girlfriend and gotten so, so much richer. The end is coming, Zuckerberg. Maybe.
Marie Antoinette
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with giant-ass hair and an indie rock score that followed her wherever she went. One day, she married a handsome prince and rode off to a foreign land where they were both publicly executed by an outraged, starving people for crimes of selfishness and neglect. And no one lived happily ever after. Also, their kids were killed. The End.
Mailbag!
Send me your problems and I’ll make it all better-ish!
Email: comeinandhaveaseat@gmail.com
Twitter: @mskelseymiller
Dear Kelsey,
I cannot believe you wrote about Ted.
MM
Dear Conscience,
I know. I judge me too. How can I make it up to you? Should I watch the real Mildred Pierce? Would that make you feel better? Okay, I’ll add it to my Netflix queue. Soon.
Kelsey
